Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Today is one of those mornings that I just do not want to wake up. I had a long conversation last night and it left me thinking really hard. To be honest, I didn't sleep much last night cos I spent it thinking, maybe not just thinking but reevaluation myself.

In this 20 years of my pathetic life, I have set goals and aims for myself. And it is only in my recent years that I put alot of emphasis in achieving goals. Sometimes I think I take it too hard on myself when I dont. I have reached the lowest point today.

Suddenly, I just feel that everything I do is a mere waste of time. My studies, my life and most of all my relationships with people. I put in so much effort into getting things done and then someone comes along and put me down. It already happened twice or may more when it comes to my studies. Sometimes I think why am I putting in so much effort to study. After all its a private school, and i quote damon "Can pass I very happy liao". Some how I feel so tempted to do that but by doing it am I doing justice to my parents? Am I doing justice to th 3k plus that my mum gave me to study. I know its my life and they shouldn't dictate my actions but as a daughter the least I can do is to make them proud of me.

I feel like yelling "FUCK IT ALL OF YOU" very very loud. I feel like being like every other 20 year old I know, clubbing and smoking and wasting their life away still thinking what they should be doing and later deciding to do nothing cos "I AM STILL YOUNG". I am not sterotyping but I know alot of people my age who behaves this way. Then again I know some people who are slightly older who don't know what to do with their life.

Now the "if only" sets in. If only I had gone JC, now I would be in NUS or NTU. If only I decided not to start working, if only I choose to go overseas to study... IF ONLY...

There would be a hundred and one "if onlys" if I want to go on. Life is as it is right now. There is no "if only" there is only now.

I am glad to be at work, sometimes I look at work as my escape. A place with people who I can get along with are and a place for me to let loose and be myself. I thank God for everyone at Tampines Pri. I really dont know what to do if I had ended up in another school.
oh btw...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY
------ verbal diarroea 04102006-----

Posted by jasmine at 8:04 AM