Saturday, December 31, 2005
I'm so exhausted of fighting. Maybe I should just give in. Say things they want to hear. Maybe I should just surrender to the misery. Surrender my soul to the pits of hell. Maybe that would be easier.It has became a ritual every new years eve. A ritual to fight with me and make me cry. A yearly ritual that happens without fail. My body cannot take anymore of this. (something which I say every year). I am counting the seconds, minutes, hours and month til I turn 21. I'm just 1yr 3 months shy of my 21st birthday. At 21, I would be a legal adult. I can do what ever I want. (that is on paper only) I can choose not to listen to my parents, I can choose to party all night. I can choose to do illegal things and face the punishment as an adult. I can do alot of things by then. I am sure of it. (with thanks to the singapore legal system) But what IF my 21st birthday will not mark the entry into freedom but my entry into more burdens.
Rupen told me that after you become an adult your parents will blame you for things you did not do. How different is it from my life now? Every other day I have to do this. I want to cry at the thought of attending my niece's birthday tomorrow and put up some show. I swear I will kill someone tomorrow if I go. Its not that I don't want to let go. They don't want to let go. Try living a house with people looking at you with suspision everyday. Like I said earlier, maybe it would be easier to just surrender my soul to the pits of hell. After all am I not being condem as someone evil now? Lets see if I do survive pass my 21st birthday.....
Posted by jasmine at 6:22 PM
Friday, December 30, 2005
With merely hours away to the new year, I can't help but feel down. Its the new year! Shouldn't I be happy and thankful that this year is over. Don't get me wrong, I am not some ungrateful brat who just snatches away the candy and eats it without sharing it or saying thank you to the person who gave it. I am grateful for this year, for every thing that has happened. I am indeed thankful for everyone who has been through 2005 with me. However, there are some heart wrenching issues that have seem to poped up mysteriously over the course of christmas and the upcoming new year.These issues serves as very bad and rude wake up calls. Try this, your mother coming into your room and crying and saying its your fault that your brother doesnt want to go to church. She threatens to call up your bf and ask him seriously ridiciously things. Your insane relative fabricated some allegation agaisnt you and now your mother thinks that you are cheating on your bf and you have became a drug addict. (rolls eyes*) My life should be made into some drama serial airred on all the 4 main channels. I bet it would be a HIT! Golden horse award, mtv award, grammy award, you name it and my life story will get it. Isn't it interesting?
I can picture it, episode one, opening scene: Girl is fast asleep, suddenly the door is swang open, some one stomps in.. WHO IS IT? ...... ITS the MOTHER!(oh the suspense)She stand there and looks at girl.. then.. sob* soB* tears run down her cheek.. sob* Sob* in an angry tone she says.. "its your fault your brother is not going church" .. Freeze frame.. than the advertisment comes on... Oh i can just picture it.. hmm and what should it be called.. "Episode One: This is home what!" ... How interesting
No matter how much I joke about it I am hurt deeply. I really am. I am so tired of all this bullshit. I don't want 2006 to come. I want a replay of 2005 and redo everything I did wrong. I want a chance to actually react to my siutation. I want a chance to be able embrace each scream and hit with grace. I want a chance to DECIDE. I am sick and tired of people assuming I would do certian things, I am sick and tired of everything being my fault.....
Hmm U know what, I think I just formulated my 2006 resolution. Lets hope I will pull through this new year.
Posted by jasmine at 7:00 PM
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
We're 3 days short of the new year. 3 days away from 2006. Isn't it exciting? Are you looking forward to next year? Did you enjoy your 2005?I enjoyed 2005. It was a roller coaster of emotions. My grandma passed away, I fell and tore my ligament, I moved on to my final year, worked in a horrid law firm, had attachment at Drew and Napier, was offered an attachement position in Aussie, Nattie came back for holiday, Rupen and me celebrated our first anniversary, i got hamsters, my parents went for masterlife and joined a caregroup, my caregroup disbanded, i've moved on with life..... These were the significant events for my past year.
Through it all I must thank Rupen for standing by me. Though all my emo times and bad temper. I also want to thank Nattie for always being therefore me. It seems that distance is never an issue with close friends. Pam was another one who was always there for me . She is one girl who never fails to make me laugh with the things she can say. Beng is another clown which made my year easier. He and his nonsense.
I love u all very much. I really don't know what to do without all u people.
rupen aka hamster boy, darling, smelly boy, hamster tummy
pam aka junk, fish, loser, girl, ooi!
nattie aka nut, nat, girl
beng aka loser, fugly, noob, stupid, idiot
Posted by jasmine at 8:12 PM
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Photos ....
daddy n mummy
rupen trying to look like he didn't see the cam
rupen's hamster
this is rupen after clearing my room.
toys that i gave away..
Posted by jasmine at 10:19 PM
Christmas is over. I am sad. I love christmas. Y must it be over. I have alot of pic from christmas but I am soo lazy to load.23 dec-> went to do last min x mas shopping with rupen
24 dec-> x mas party at corinna's place and heeren's balcony with beng
25 dec-> church, party at my place, party at rupen's place n GEYLANG<>
26 dec-> shopping with rupen, went to see new tv for his house, parkway n supper at habbie
now its back to school with many deadlines and projects. i am super stress.
i shall upload more photos soon...
Posted by jasmine at 9:59 PM
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
It very nice to spend a whole day at home. I did a bread pudding in the morning. (not very sucessful) And I packed my room. OK i am still packing it now. Just my table.
It really scary to see all the rubbish I collected from my room. There was even a DEAD COCKROACH! ... Me and Doggy was so scare. Doggy sat on my lap all the time.
While packing I was doing alot of thinking. I just found out that one of my Friend, who is my age, wants to get MARRIED. MAD! Her reason is because she doesn't want to go to Shang Hai with her parents. I will repeat myself.. MAD! ..
Its not that I am being a sour grape or throwing in a wet blanket. Look at the situation logically. She is 19, her bf is only 20. Just left army. No income what so ever. So after they get married where would they live? With his parents? MAD! . Expenses how? How abt the fun she can exprience without such obligations? Sigh. How to complete her degree like that? I think some people just don't think before they do things. It very nice to have some one to live with (besides your parents) but think about other respondsibilities. Its not going to be easy. It scares me to think that one day I have to make such considerations too. What I wouldn't give to be a Kid again and live without worries.
Posted by jasmine at 7:08 PM
All the talk about christmas and buying presents is really making me wonder what I want.I dont know what I want for christmas this yr. I got everything I ever wanted. Hamsters, my adidas shoes, ipod, a new bag and organsier. I got it all. I even got a family who loves me, a wonderful bf and alot of great friends. Sigh* What do I want for christmas? I think what I want this yr is to make everyone happy.
Posted by jasmine at 10:21 AM
Monday, December 19, 2005
I had a super busy, "running up and down all over singapore amazing race "weekend. Ok you get the idea.
Friday was spent rushing a report due at 5pm. The report was on my whole internship experince. I completed 35 pages in 3 days. Not bad for a person who spents half her life in maple story. Pam and me only completed our report fully at 4.30pm on Friday. (PANICK ATTACK)
So me and her ran from my place to the bus stop and from my sch bus stop to my teacher's office at a record time of 13 mins. (Rupen says he can run from my place to my sch in 5 mins. Bleach* showoff*) Haha* (sayang*)
Anyway, after school pam and me came back and i had to get ready for Florence's wedding.
Florence Wedding
Congraulations Florence and Rusell
Saturday (ALcoholic day)
My Saturday was spent sleeping in.I woke at 10 plus after Rupen called me up. (evIL*) Anyway I was in quite a daze on Sat thanks to my power pack sleeping solution that I took the night before. I met Rupen at eastpoint in the afternoon and we went Plaza Sing. Went to Spot light and a NIce dinner at Fish and Co. (ps. the apple lime drink is GOOD shit!). Then we went to watch soccer. Man U vs Aston Villa. Before I go on let me say this... I UNDERSTAND SOCCER K !
Rooney scored very nice second gol. Its no wonder that he is called WONDER BOY!. Bak J.S was weird. Its my first time actually watching a soccer match. I thought Bak could not kick the ball straight and he kept kicking the ball out. But he was fast ! ... @nyw@y, I had a screwdriver and heinikken along the way.
Sunday
Went to church and had some party at FL. Then me nd rupen went to Riverside walk for some flea market.(lousy*) We that went IKEA furniture shopping. Didn't buy anything though. Later we went for KFC lunch.The Fiery Flava chicken was SEDAP! SUPER! WHAO! . after which we went to wisma to meet pet. while waiting for her we bought a pair of shiny rings. haha. its very pretty. :D grinz. there were engravings too...! than we met pet and went shopping for veen adn raj present. Went to LV and I saw my LOVE in all its splendor! there was another LV bag which i fell in love with. its a new model. and it was so nice and large. Than we went to all the various shops to get stuff for veen and raj. i bought my bro's present too. Pet, rupen and me had some munchies at this place called Free Banana. (no there was no free bananas) I had a stella artios, Pet had hot chocolte and rupen had a HUGE hoe graden. Than we went to rupen's place and went pasar malam to get FOOD. Ramly burger GOOD!.... @nyw@y made ribbons for rupen's x mas tree n i went home at abt 11.30 to sleep.
Posted by jasmine at 9:19 AM
Friday, December 16, 2005
All I want for christmas is YOU !!
Posted by jasmine at 12:20 PM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I arbitration class now. Bored. Had an interesting day yesterday. (minus school)Had dinner with Rupen and his family. Had such an interesting evening.
Seriously fun evening.
Posted by jasmine at 2:07 PM
Monday, December 12, 2005
Can you believe it, I'm in school now hahaha... Hard working? Just needed to get uot of the house. My parents can be super irritating. I am so tired of hearing them nag. And you know what is the BESTEST part, they are BOTH on LEAVE this week!Resolution for the week: Stay away from home as much as possible.
Posted by jasmine at 9:52 AM
Sunday, December 11, 2005
:D . I had a fun day. No words can describe the event which took place this morning. It was simply stunning. The colors, the sounds and the FOOD. haha.. here are the little photos that I manage to capture.
Somebody's baby. I think this kid is related to Rupen in some way.
Rupen's cousins and brothers.
Posted by jasmine at 8:13 PM
Saturday, December 10, 2005
I just got back from a super long day. Nothing beats a nice hot bowl of kimchi noodles and a can of beer.My morning started at 3 am. I couldn;t sleep so I played Maple Story until I was sleepy. I fell asleep at 5 am again and was awaken by Rupen at 8am. I went with Rupen to OCBC bank to open a new account. THan met his parents, brothers and uncle and had breakfast.
After that Uncle, Aunty, Rupen and me went to concourse. Bought so many christmas stuff. Hehe, I'm so looking forward to Christmas. Then we went Little India and bought Rupen's indian costume for tomorrow's wedding. It was so pretty. Than me and Rupen went to meet Raveen and Raj. The 3 guys were buying stuff for their cousin's wedding. After which me and Rupen went to church for Rupen's Baptism.
The service got me thinking alot. Oh well.. Anyway he is now Rupen David Mannar. Haha* Cool right. Anyway there was this kitty at church after the baptism. I was playing with it and it pEE on me !!... STUpid Cat. I hate CATS. I HATE CATS. I HATE CATS!
Anyway Rupen bought a new phone. And I fell in love with the Nokia 6111. Haha*
I am looking forward to tomorrow. I get to wear a pretty pink punjabi dress with shiny purple bangles and nice pretty shiny earrings.
Haha.. I will put up the pretty photos tomorrow.
Posted by jasmine at 5:57 PM
| The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic |
 Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski |
This is the result of not being able to sleep at 2.30am in the morning. I fell asleep at 11 last night and woke at 1.30am. And I have been stoning since. Oh well might as well do another one of these weird test.
| Butterfinger |
 |
What Kind of Candy Are You?
Posted by jasmine at 1:32 AM
Friday, December 09, 2005
Sometimes the past should be kept that way. True/ False?Haha I don't know. I just saw something today that made me dwell alittle on my past but I guess I would look pass it. Its so easy to look back and think about the what ifs. Looking forward into the unknown is harder.
Sigh, I wouldn't call the feeling I have when I look back a feeling of regret, more of curious. What would my life be like if I went JC? What would my life be like if I had decided not to come church any more? What would my life be like if I had not met Rupen and was still drowning in myself pity? What would things be like if I had chosen someone else? Hmm .
All I can say is that I do think about such things. But I doubt I would ever regret the day I started going out with Rupen or the day I went poly or the day I chose to take the path I am walking down now. No one said life was easy. Life is full of choices.
Posted by jasmine at 11:17 AM
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Today marks the 2nd day I have been a "maid". My parents have made it very clear that I have to do most of the house work because I will have to "move out soon". SICK.I am so exhausted. Washing, cleaning, cooking and watering plants. Now I know what my mother has to go through, on top of that school work and other worries.
I have given up trying to juggle my life. I admit. I cannot do it anymore. Too many things to think abt. I admit. I meed help. I need to set somethings aside. The issues that are bugging me are piling up by the day. I will set aside trival things. Things are I have to settle I will do it today. Somethings have to change. No more compromises. I do things my way. It my life. I will live it right from today on.
Posted by jasmine at 10:01 PM
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Don't be a n00b play Maple.! haha it 0WNZ. It will 0wnz you!Anyway, l33tsp34k a side, I had such an interesting day today. I went Serangoon. Any day there is an interesting affair. The colors and the Candy! OH the WONDERFUL CANDY. I tasted heaven today. I ate a milk cookie. I TELL U... SHIOK... no words can describe the taste. Its was purely orgasmic.
I bought aa punjabi suit today. It is so.. PRETTY. Pink and shiny. I got matching earrings and bangles for it. I am so Looking Forward to Rupen's cousin's wedding. I get to wear the pretty dress, the shiny bangles and huge earrings. SO PRETTY.. I will post all the photos up soon :D hahaha so happy..
Bestest day of the week yet !
Posted by jasmine at 8:50 PM
Monday, December 05, 2005
Its back to school today. 9 weeks short of graduation. The stress and pressure is on.Anyway, went Siglap with Beng, Pam and one of his friends. Had Coffee Club. Now I am really BROKE.
Went to Eunos to take a direct bus home. Some beng came and ask me for my name. IT WAS SO LAME.
Loser Ah Beng" Hi"
Me:(keeps quiet and look at him)
Loser Ah Beng"Erm, What your name ah?"
Me: (keeps quiet and tries to register the STUPID question"
Me: "HUH?!" (with a disgusted look)
Loser AhBeng" Erm nothing." Runs off
Hahahahahaha.. is that a loser or what? HahahahHAhahahAHhaha.. Loser !!
Posted by jasmine at 8:23 PM
Friday, December 02, 2005
i am just mere minutes away from going back to my life as a poor student. No money, no job and alot of exams.With just 10 more weeks short of graduation, I am feeling all hyped up about going back to school. Ok so I am hyped up now, but on Monday it would be different. I would be dragging myself out of bed and down to school.
I would have to pick up my discipline and start doing school work again. I would have to try to save my minimal allowance so that I can full enjoy the festive season. I am excited yet terrified of the thought of school. The great count down til I am released into this concrete jungle. At least I am going for my Advance in April right? Next year seem so far away yet it is coming so fast.
Out here, I suddenly realise that 1 hour passes in a blink, one day is like a second and a week can just fly by without you knowing. I believe that is the power of having a schedule.
School starts on Monday at 1pm. At least I can sleep til 9.00 am on Monday and watch cartoons til 12 noon. That would be an ideal, but considering the fact that I am so used to waking up at 7.00am on weekdays, I see no way I am going to sleep pass 7.30a.m.
Oh well, at least you will not see me blogging so often.
ps* I love u darling.. sorry for waking u up ( i know this is absolute randomness)
Posted by jasmine at 4:05 PM
I need to remember to do a few things today. I just realize I did not bring my organizer with me. So.. I shall blog it to make myself remember1) Get a box/cage for the transportation of my hamsters
2) Return my sch library books
3) Ask rupen abt my prom
4) Pack my room
5) Settle the hamster cage
6) Get some stuff to gear me up for a long night at home with nothing to do.
.............................................
dilemma 1
I wanna go out tonight and have fun but I have to be in school by 9 am tomorrow
dilemma 2
I wanna go home to a nice warm bed, good book and cold beer but I know i will get scolding when I get home
dilemma 3
I wanna go hang out but .........
dilemma 4
I wanna go out but I know I have a bad stomach.
HOW, on one hand I wanna PLAY but on the OTHER I know I have physical and mental limitations.. HOW, stressful ...
Posted by jasmine at 1:15 PM
Ok. For the record. This is my latest Blog entry in the last 3 days. I am 3 hours late in my blogging.Anyway this post is dedicated to the 11 weeks of my internship.
First I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who has been with me through this SIP thing (be politically correct)(bleach*)
Anyway here is what I really have to say. My internship here was cool. The people were nice. There were those who sucked, (eg. Fake accent bimbo, Mashmallow Man, DGF) one from each dept but like what someone told me, they are here to add color to my life.
K for the friends I have made, Huda, Nadzira, Uncle Ronnie, Sharon, Justin, Adeline, David, Cindy, Lili, Ramzi, Josh, Farizan, Stacy, Jesse, Iris, Adeline, Junie, Daphane, Alex and the many more I have not mentioned. You guys made my stay at Drew n Napier wonderful.
For those who stood by me through my SIP, Pam, Hafeez, Rupen, Nattie, Shermaine erm.. ya and those who asked abt it ... ITS OVER !
Pam: Would miss lunch time and squeezing ard with you
Rupen: haha now it would be a Chore to go town
Nattie: See u ONLINE :P
Shermaine: Enjoy your holiday girl :)
Yupz with that I shall end of this post on SIP. The 11 weeks was truly an enriching experience.( no i am not lying abt this)
Posted by jasmine at 11:25 AM
Thursday, December 01, 2005
First post of my day. 9.13 am. Lets see how many I can post today.My evening was spent in Maple story. I think I am going to be hooked on it one day. But for now. I shall just not bother.
K there are many things that are bugging me now. Here is a short list
Long term worries(things that would always be an issue)
1) Studies
2) Money
3) Work
4) Relationship and futrue
Short term worries
1) My irritating collegue and how to shut her up
2) How to settle my hamster over population problem
3) My tummy.. been feeling puky the since yesterday afternoon
4) How to cut my hair (again?!)
5) Should I dye my hair red (again?!)
6) How to pretend I am busy when I am really not
7) How to hide from some stuff when sch opens
So I worry about mostly trival stuff short term but its the things I think about long term that are really eating into me.
My studies
As it is, my parents as approve of my advance diploma with MDIS for mass comm. But I have my reservations. Cos I just want to major. I am sick and tired of doing bits and pieces. Everyone tell me mass comm is better cos later I can go into my fields. But what if I do, would I regret it later. I dont wanna go through the whole law and managment drama again.
Money
It will always be an issue. Living in this country where money is everything, it really freaks the hell out of me to just dwell on it importance. Questions like will I be able to provide for my future is always flashing in my mind. I am terrified to think about proving for some one else. Just for myself, my needs and my occassional wants. Will I ever have enough?
Work
Another one of those nagging worries. Maybe it'll go away when I find a job I enjoy doing. Maybe. But me being so fickle minded, would I ever find a job I really enjoy. Lets just say my ideal job would be one whereby I get paid at leasts 4k a month, flexible working hours and endless attention. Perfect.
R/s and Futrue
That I would not want to elaborate. My blog's content is limited to how much I want people to question about later. So pertaining to this, content for my heart only.
I guess the only reason why I have so many issues is because I am scared to try. I have too many reservation. I think too much. But can u blame me? If it was you, would you not ask questions about your future?