Monday, September 18, 2006
This is going to be one of those blogs where I bear my soul. (bwhaha*)
I am feeling alittle down in the rut today. Not only today, but for the past 17 years of my life. I have not been depressed for the past 17 years but this feeling has always been a shadow following me around. I would like to chase it away, but everytime I forget, it comes back.
I don't like being the oldest child. Who does.. Anyway, it doesnt help when half the time my parents dont want to reprimand my bro for being a bastard. I dont give him face, if I am not happy with him, or anyone, I will bite. I feel very neglected sometimes and no matter how independent I like my parents to think I am, I want to be "manja" like him. I want to be able to get away with looking angry and being grumpy half the time, I want to be able to be the centre of attention. I feel very lonely and half the time I am making so much noise so that I can be heard or seen. I feel unnoticed and sometimes ignored. It sucks really.
I told myself this, if I ever get married or ever become a parent, I only want one child or none.I have given this whole child bearing thing serious thought cos half the time I am hearing from the ppl in office how nice it is to be a mother (bullshit). I know it maybe very selfish of me but I dont want my child to go through all the agony I went through as the oldest child. I am so afriad I would become like my mother. I dont want to be like her at all. I do respect her and admire her that she was able to bring us up all these year but I dont wnat to walk down the road she took. I dont want to spend my life worrying about another life. My father says the way I am thinking is childish, and I will grow out of it.. I hope I wouldn't .. I really don't think I have what it takes to be a good parent.
Posted by jasmine at 6:31 PM