Monday, July 31, 2006
I had a long night last night. The events of my night made me think long and hard about myself. Am I too trusting. Am I too believing that everyone around me can bluff me ? I dont just mean people who are close to me, I mean people who aren't close to me too. Some times I think lying to me is easy cos when I know some I trust the person with everything.
Trust. When should I actually trust someone. When should I draw the line. I lived my 20 yrs of life on one poilcy. "See life through the eyes of a child"Thats what I want to do. That is what I alwats try to do. I take comfort in simple colour little toys that would properly be junk to anyone else. I dont like things complicated. I cry when I am sad I laugh when I am happy. I dont like pretending. I have my little toys for comfort. Am I too childish and naive thats why the world think they can bluff me ? Am I such a push over? Should I start off by being fierce and vicious with a person before I can trust the person?
Maybe I should take a new outlook to life. Be vicious. Be critical and Skeptical. Isn't that how the whole world is like? I should be selfish. That would get me far. I had gotten many people far. From today onwards I shall try to be selfish. I get what I want. I dont care if it would hurt others. Why should I bother about how others feel when at the end of the day its people who cause me so much pain. I live for myself. I live to make myself happy. I do what I want. Fuck the world, fuck what people want me to do.
It does not pay to be nice. Especially when you get hurt by someone who you love so much. I want to be like you I want to be mean adn vicious and be able to lie without blinking. At least I would have the upper hand, I would not get hurt again.
I can't move on. I can't look pass this. I dont want to think about it but everytime I do I hate myself for giving you another chance. You dont deserve it, after what you done to me. I think you are right on one thing, "Deep done inside I know you can change". Yes deep down inside I know you change but as at today i dont know what to believe. I am having a conflict with myself. Part of me wants to believe you and feel that you should be given another chance but part me of hates you for what you have done. I dont know which side will win in the end but as at today, I still want to believe you and I am trying very very hard.
I'm in so much pain now. I really am. I dont know how am I going to go through my day without suddenly having a mental breakdown
Posted by jasmine at 8:25 AM