Thursday, March 02, 2006

I really feel sick. Not with what I have said earlier but more of with myself... I would never be able to live pass the fact that I have done something I have told myself never to do.. (this doesn't mean i have done anything morally wrong .. more of alongs the line of self values)

As people would know by now, I would readily make comments about the distasteful things people can do. But no matter how much I make those comments, I make sure I do it infront of those people. Which explain why I am exceptionally rude round certian people. People may not like it but I feel it beats bitching about ppl behind their back. Not like I have not done that before, but I try not to. I feel that if there is something I don't like about someone I should either tell it to their faces or just avoid them so save myself the energy of saying such things. Anyway that aside, cause honestly what done it done, I am still feeling sick.

I still feel sick about the fact that I know I have so many flaws but I dont want to look pass it. I know I am indecisive, I know I am stubborn, I know I can be very impatient, I know I tend to be to believing, but I dont want to look pass that. Call it the flaws of a hot headed young person if you must, but honestly such sick attitudes is getting me no where. Why do I not want to change such things, maybe its cause I have been like this for 20 fucking years. Maybe I don't see the need too. Maybe I am just too comfortable. I don't know, what ever it is.. Its not getting me anywhere. As much as I say I wanna change, I am afraid to take the step because I know I will fall back. Ha.. Another flaw, being negative..

I know its really stupid for me to say this but well, I have had enough rejections in life to be postitive. That is a down right stupid excuse to use, and it cannot always be the excuse I use in life. I always say that background is no excuse for people to behave weird. So what if you are from a fucked up family, I see no reason why you should be any different from anyone else. I should apply that to myself. So what if I had a fucked up rejected work/ life history, I shouldn't let that affect my attitude. As much as my parents think I am daring and a risk taker when it comes to looking for jobs, I am scared. On one hand I want to prove to them that I can get a top grade job, on the other hand I am afriad that if I fall they will look at me and tell my bro, "Don't ever be like your useless sis"(which I have heard more than once)

I feel so lonely. Some how I feel like I am the only one in this fix. I know people would come along and say don't worry I understand but to fuck with that. I dont care if you understand. I am here NOW. The problems, the fears, the reservations are NOW. Its real. I have no better word to describe myself now but Scared. Blame it on my limited vocabulary because seriously right now, the only word I can use to describe myself is SCARED, my insecurites and fears overwrite every other feeling. I hate to feel helpless. This is how I am feeling now. I hate to feel lonely, but I really dont know how to feel right now. I hate to cry, but I can't help it right now.. I really can't

I don't have anyone else to blame about my fucked up attiutide but myself. I have no outlet to let all this shit out but here. I can tell people, but people would get tired of hearing me blabber about my shit. Maybe by writing it all down people would be able to read with without telling me off before I start. I starting to behave like those losers I always laugh about. Going on and on about their stupid life like anyone would give 2 fucks. Seriously, if I go on like this it would make me no different from those sick pieces of shit. Would I allow myself to be like this? As much as I would like to say NO and say here and now that I would make a change to my life.. its starting to sound to cliche... everyone says that .. but who actually does it? Which drug addict actually says he will change his life and REALLY stays clean off drugs and not think about it. Which smoker actually says he quits and REALLY quits? Negative self working again.. Being negative is so tiring.. but being positive and failing is more depressing.. cos at least if I am negative and "thick skin" I can make my way though life and still be surprised once in a while. But if I am positive and all "lala" I should just be a bloody Kids central host or some silly singer in Hi5.

I know life isnt a bed of roses, I shall not pretend its one, but there has to be a way for me to not to pretend its one at the same time enjoy it. I hate growing older, it seems with every year, I get more shit. I wish there was a way. I really wish there was. I cant always pretend everything is lala neither can I hate everyone I meet. There has to be a solution, if not why are there still so many people still surviving out there?

Posted by jasmine at 10:29 PM