Saturday, December 31, 2005
I'm so exhausted of fighting. Maybe I should just give in. Say things they want to hear. Maybe I should just surrender to the misery. Surrender my soul to the pits of hell. Maybe that would be easier.
It has became a ritual every new years eve. A ritual to fight with me and make me cry. A yearly ritual that happens without fail. My body cannot take anymore of this. (something which I say every year). I am counting the seconds, minutes, hours and month til I turn 21. I'm just 1yr 3 months shy of my 21st birthday. At 21, I would be a legal adult. I can do what ever I want. (that is on paper only) I can choose not to listen to my parents, I can choose to party all night. I can choose to do illegal things and face the punishment as an adult. I can do alot of things by then. I am sure of it. (with thanks to the singapore legal system) But what IF my 21st birthday will not mark the entry into freedom but my entry into more burdens.
Rupen told me that after you become an adult your parents will blame you for things you did not do. How different is it from my life now? Every other day I have to do this. I want to cry at the thought of attending my niece's birthday tomorrow and put up some show. I swear I will kill someone tomorrow if I go. Its not that I don't want to let go. They don't want to let go. Try living a house with people looking at you with suspision everyday. Like I said earlier, maybe it would be easier to just surrender my soul to the pits of hell. After all am I not being condem as someone evil now? Lets see if I do survive pass my 21st birthday.....
Posted by jasmine at 6:22 PM