Friday, June 04, 2004

Today was the first time I decided to face up with the hard facts in my life..
1) Why I did not want to go church that much now?
2) What was I running from?
3) Why was I so afraid that my parents will know abt my other life?

It took sometime for me to slowly think it through. To answer all my questions I first had to accept this....

I smoke, I drink and I love and have tattoos... BUt i do not have a problem.. i love my life .. I love myself and no I don't think I am a teenager with a serious problem.. yeah yeah.. mad ppl would never say they are mad.. but wat the hell...

Ok i have establish that y i do not wanna attend church so much was because of my pride.. I felt that although I have broken up with him I have seen another sid eof certian ppl i use to respect in Church.. It was like they turned cold towards me after i started dating my ex.. It made me wonder.. if you love God and everything y do u treat ppl like that.. That made me turn away.. than later after i broke up i tried to get back but those looks were still there.. i was scared n my pride was hurt becos i really tot this relationship would work out..

Well. what WAS i running from? My past.. my past image .. the one that protrayed me as a good girl.. haha strange huh.. y wouldnt anyone want not to be known as a good girl.. well.. its not me.. its an image i create n with that image i get unnecessary reponsibility...it not me la.. its like how would u feel if u are a wolf but u have to dress up in sheep's skin.. fun at first.. but soon ppl will start well.. looking at u and taking u for a push over..

And well.. lastly..i am afraid that my parents will know abt my other life becos.. i myself can't accept the fact that i am enjoying this life.. this life of tattoos, drinking n smoking m clubbing.. its like my whole life looks different now... i kinda feel like superman.. no maybe catwoman would be more apporiate.. cos well.. she is bad..

Now that i have established my problems.. damage control.. do wat abt it? i am not going to change the fact that i am happy with my life.. but i have to quit smoking. and well maybe the body art festish will be on for a little more.. but most importantly i have to set things straight with God.. back to a reg QT and well.. try church more.. give ppl time.. if i can throw aside my pride n pick myself up.. i am sure God will help me.. If i can deny myself once more.. and make God FIRST everything will fall into place.. :)

Posted by jasmine at 11:25 PM